For those who know me well, you’ll know that I’m always “on”- meaning, wheels are turning, brain is in motion and non-stop utterly annoying nonsense is roaming around in my mind. It takes me forever to fall asleep because in the silence of the night my brain kicks into hyper-drive and I go over all these scenarios, ideas, plans and thoughts over and over again. Some days are slower than others- I’ll get some random idea for something and let it go. Other days it’s like a slave to my own brain, constantly churning over an idea….antsy… You know the phrase ants in your pants? Yeah, that’s generally my mental state.
I don’t really relax. I’ll veg out with a good TV show if I’m having a marathon but that’s about it. When I’m not doing that I’m always searching, reading, finding, learning. I dislike lazy people. I think that sleep is a waste of time but unfortunately I’m the kind of person who is a zombie if I don’t get at least 8 hours. If I was one of those people who could be perfectly fine on 5 hours of sleep I would be ecstatic. Some of my best epiphanies come when I’m about to drift to sleep, rendering me useless until morning. I finally was comfortable in our property in Orlando, but in a fashion true to my life we were only there for a little over a year… and now we’re out in Tampa. Still having to commute to Orlando to get the house ready so my dad can get someone to rent it out while we’re here. Our house here is fine, but it’s just not the same. It’s not as cozy, not as welcoming. We aren’t staying in this house for an extended period of time so it will never reach that point of comfyness. It’s unsettling…. which doesn’t help my overactive brain- FYI.
The most frustrating feeling in the world is knowing that I’m not as lazy or corner cutting as 80% of the people around me yet I can’t find that right outlet or resource that’s the missing puzzle piece. I feel like if I could just find that one piece I would have a solid plan to take off and run with. There is one killer idea is my library of plans- the problem is sifting through all the noise and loose ends to find it. Yes, carefully formulating a project or plan so there’s no mistakes is usually the best way to go, but I’m not like that. I work in chaos- when I have an idea it all comes spilling out in front of me and I feel like that’s the life of it. When it’s practical and step by step it becomes boring. The fun is in making the mistakes, the fun of an idea is the ride from start to finish. The best and most innovative ideas come from being in the burning heat of the fire. The best and most innovative ideas are not found by beating it to death until it’s not an idea at all because it’s suffocated with rules and restrictions. An idea needs to breathe, it needs to be given the chance to have a life of its own. There is beauty in chaos… that’s what I believe anyway.
It’s like I’m waiting for something and I don’t know what it is. I’m the kind of person who is built to always be thinking, working, doing but I just can’t find that one project that I can dedicate myself to which will make my success. Does anybody know how to install an “off” switch?